A martini glass filled with croutons.

Papa Roach

Charging the spirit bomb.

Nothing but hippos in tutus!

That's not a Palindrome!

Pavlov's dragon.

Learning to fart.

Yougurt, yogurt, Batman!

If I knew it was your birthday I would have painted the indoor agrarian

Flagrant Fowl

All the free wicker furniture!

lamezorz?

Those hugs are NOT free!

Family internet

An Indian fender bender.

Chocolate Boss

I think you are going to want to get the transmission fixed.

Hot for turkey.

But I thought you said they were "teabaggers."

A zebra covered in ether.

It was my mother's wedding!

A Shaker wedding.

They go right next to the open toed sneakers.

Oregon donation

That's what fat people say.

Purple, screw you it's my beard

A Hobo Filibuster

A bald cheerleader.

There weren't any barnacles on HER hull.

Absolute Panda-monium!!!

A Baltimore Handshake.

A Muslim eating a mermaid.

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

Don't call us platypussies!

Wicker Welts

dark nerds

Do unto otters...

A fascist vegan.

Zombie Mary Cheney

If those are Clif Bars then what have I been shoving down my pants?

Forrest Dump!

Prostituta con queso!

Ten. One to screw it in and nine to violently react to the placebo.

Them's a tree lizard.

Sunburnt knees.

I'm pretty sure that's just sinep spelled backwards.

That is one satisfied maggot.

Brad Paisley Couch

zombie Sasha Obama

Mr. Belvedere with cheese

Learn to walk!

an Argentinian crew cut.

The Great Masticator

Pig In The City.

Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids!

A reverse Heimlich.

A hillbilly backrub.

Because she was too busy licking paper snowflakes.

red, yellow, blue, and Dan Brown

static electricity

You can't pickle those!

A Homophobic Meatball Sandwich

Jason and the Arrrgonauts

It was my vacuum.

Leslie Nielsen Ratings

You ate my socks!

This is an actual punchline that was left in an office that was used by Super Dave Osborne. True story.

That is NOT a handshake!

a pro-life cannibal

Four. One to screw it in, one to buy the clown wig, and two to shave the dog.

A Mormon port-o-potty

Corey Haim's molar.

lamp...lamp...lamp...Porkchop!

She had dinoplasty.

This one comes straight from one of our loyal readers. Thanks for the contribution John.

An inside out hobo.

Smokey the Bare

Nobody puts baby in the corner!

That's not my shotgun wound!

Zombie Sir Mix-a-Lot

Bolo tie macaroni

Ah, that's where I put my toothbrush.

A feminist tuba.

Swine flew!

Four. One to screw it in, and three to go shopping at Patagonia.

Christopher Walken on broken glass.

If I wanted to talk to your mother I would have rubbed the lamp.

Professor Platypus

He was jealous of the thermometer.

Three. Two to screw it in, and one to give you swine flu.

Teddie Vedder

A hippopotamus on the moon.

Botlanta

A Canadian Tuxedo.

He was too busy throwing barrels at plumbers.

a hot garbage buffet

so deep that mermaids were doing HIS taxes!

;)(;

An incontinent polar bear

If I wanted THAT kind of advice I would have asked the robot pope.

Tyrannosaurus Sex!

That is NOT blue frosting!

A Berenstain Bears meth lab

Hilary Spank

Lou Diamond Phillips Head Screwdriver

Never ARRGue with an unemployed fisherman, carrying an RPG.

Albino Jesus

Yeah, but why did you put it in my eye?

Laser Tagalog

Because Koalas Don't Like Chicken.

The truth will set you flea.

She thought he was an archeologist.

Because they knew his hat was filled with Lincolns.

Hidden Valley Ranch House

Lady Gaga.

Don't touch my crab sandwich!

He was carving soap angels, and tipping strippers.

Even cowgirls get the Boos!

Remember the Alamo.

A geriatric pirate.

That's not bigger than a bread box!

I'll be black.

A libertarian zebra.

No, I said Aer Lingus.

but I always wrap grandma in cellophane.

If that's your cat, then what's in the dryer?

Because he was digging up dogs and humping treasure chests.

He has risen

In honor of the season, for our first punchline I bring you:

Because Jesus died for our shins.